Day 4 ~ Journal Entry

/ Sameera

Sunset from my mother’s kitchen.

I think I might have consumed all the laughter I stored in my lungs. Certainly I am going insane again. My therapist told me to make a gratitude list because in a long way it will help me to look beyond my misery. I was thinking about making one when I realised I already have a diary where I am writing about the things that make me happy. It’s a small list around eight points, I thought I will write more but then. Anyway the point is I am going to write about gratitude and if I am able to do so, it will be a milestone. You all can congratulate me.

Today is a hectic day. I woke up at around 10.15 and I am already tired. I want to go and sleep again. There are so many ‘I’ in my poems and prose that I will soon become narcissistic, but with a good intention if such a category exists. People will criticize for this as well but again who cares (I do, but okay shut up). Days without Instagram are beautiful and honestly speaking I do miss reading some good people there. I have a personal account for that. If lockdown increases I will end up uploading all the pictures in my gallery in the name of throwback and self love though I don’t have an ounce of love left.

My maternal grandparents are celebrating their fifty sixth anniversary tomorrow and the weird thing is this is the first time they will celebrate it. It’s because one fine day my grandmother out of nowhere said it’s their anniversary and as any good family we are going to celebrate it by putting lots of status on WhatsApp. Nana never talked of this day, he vaguely remembers it as “the mistake of 1956” which is very very unhealthy of him but mental health doesn’t exist for him. It would have outraged me but the feminist inside me is dead, or atleast trying to be dead. Don’t ask me why, it’s a long story.

For now I need to rush back to my books because what if lockdown gets over and I need to give exams. As much as I like studying plants, the creepy behaviour of people around me is turning me insane. Today I am going to read about the leaf and leaving (no one can take away the over sensitive part of my life). I have been studying the leaf for the past one week and all I remember is that the first layer is the epidermis. Unfortunately that won’t fetch me even a mark in the exam. If only teachers had an idea how difficult it is for us to study when death is walking on the street. It’s like you can die, but not without giving exams.

I forgot to mention that the nearby marriage hall has been converted into a quarantine centre so as a precautionary measures we are told to close the windows as well. In my last poem I talked about opening the door and now I can’t even open the window. Oh! The fair trial of life.

The month of Ramazan is beginning today and I have mixed feelings this year. Let’s see what I make of it. Thank you for reading till the end. In case you are wondering about the happiness list, I will upload it soon.

Ramazan Mubarak everyone. Stay home. Stay safe.

See ya!
Almost Managing
Sameera.

©Sameera Mansuri 2020.

The post was first published on The Poetic Elixir.

20 thoughts on “Day 4 ~ Journal Entry”

  4. Man this is relatable! I think we’re all going through similar times. This weird time has taken a toll on us. I really hope that when this is all over, we’ll have a better world to look forward to.

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  5. Ramadan wishes to you Sameera! I completely get you and find it equally difficult to piece things together for everything looks scattered and uncertain. Yet, I am trying to find hope, may be it shan’t be for me but a hope for the world to get better, with or without, as gruesome as that may sound. A friend of mine, who took offense for I told him on his face that he was being extremely pessimistic (although he is), is trying to be grateful for living through everyday and then each night sends me a text on the impossibility of life that we are living now, puzzling me much. But as Isha writes, and as cliched as it may sound, may be there is some happy land at the end of everything. May be when we are old, we’ll narrate to the grandchildren of our siblings and cousins of the year when the world stopped and everything was uncertain. May be Bollywood will produce a movie on how Akshay Kumar saved the day! 😀

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    • Thank you for the warm greetings. May this month brings joy for all of us.
      It’s difficult to survive but then we are certainly having better than most of the people, even though it comforts to a lower level it is equally important. The virus told us how little things can cause maximum damage if aren’t tackled properly. Maybe this is the time when we finally learn to breath. Who knows what is in the future for us, but staying in the present is the best we can do.

      Perhaps Akshay Kumar has already begun working on the script.🤭

      The future is surely uncertain, I was waiting for flying cars since this is 2020 but all we got is a virus that is going place. Let’s see how everything goes. Let’s hold on to each other and the hope a little more firmly.

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      • Amen to that thought! I keep thinking it is a lesson in disguise for a lot of us, to slow down and appreciate everyday.
        At the end of every year, I, quite foolishly, tell myself that next year will be my year and truly I don’t know what does it mean 😀 In some ways we do make the most of it. We learn everyday. Perhaps looking back we would have learnt a great deal other than 2020 being a leap year. 😀

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  6. As much as I enjoyed reading this, I do feel for you, dear, and can relate to so much too. The gratitude list has got me in a fix too and you said it well – making one would be reaching a milestone. But look at yourself and how you’ve grown, and think about whether all this will matter five years from now (cliché, yes, but it seems to work). Every day is a lesson in survival. Happy Ramadan dear!

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    • Two years back I didn’t realise I would be here talking to people without any hesitation even though it’s all online. It did help me in my anxiety.
      Thank you for the wishes. May this Ramadan bring loads of blessings for all of us and we get over this pandemic. The heart is heavy but the hope keeps it afloat.💙

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